We’ve all heard the adage, “Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus,” but, as comedian George Carlin famously (and hilariously) retorted, “Men are from Earth; Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” Still, there’s no denying men and women often speak a different language–especially when it comes to relationships.

So, for all those guys out there wondering what really goes on inside the minds of ‘the fairer sex,’ we felt a quick peek into the female psyche was in order. Gentlemen, start your engines for our first annual Man Issue, and get ready for our list of five things that define a man (according, of course, to women):

Threads

It’s no secret women like a well-dressed man, so ditch those sandals and that hemp bracelet you wore to the Dave Matthews concert in 1996. Instead, why not stock your closet with at least one custom tailored suit complete with cufflinks and a tie that speaks to your personal style. Other questionable wardrobe choices after age 30 include your ratty college sweatpants and most pairs of shorts.

Grooming

We’re not sure why so many men are scared of a little manscaping, but trust us when we tell you women like a well-groomed man. We’re not saying you need to wax your chest, but cutting those claws, shaving the unkempt mess on the back of your neck and trimming up that five o’clock shadow really goes a long way to make the special lady in your life happy.

Handy Man

There’s just something about a self sufficient man that makes a woman weak in the knees. A man who can do his own laundry without shrinking a sweater to Ken doll size, knows his way around a kitchen for more than a grilled cheese sandwich and can fix minor problems (like a leaky faucet) around the house without expecting his woman to throw him a parade is a definite keeper.

Humble Pie

Hey Magellan! Women like a man who will ask for directions–whether floundering around the American heartland on vacation or heading to Buckhead for a night on the town. This isn’t just about pulling over and asking for directions from a roadside fruit stand while grabbing some noms. We women see asking for and accepting help from others as symbolic of how well you communicate in your personal relationships too.

Comedy Central

You don’t need to have the biting wit or comedic timing of George Carlin to ingratiate yourself to the women in your life. At the end of the day, women like a man who can make them laugh–and a man who knows when it’s okay to laugh at himself. Tell a zinger, execute a prat fall, eat crow when well deserved, but be sure to offer up a bit of laugh therapy on the regular to let the good times roll.

BELLY UP

A woman can tell a lot by what a man orders to drink, so think carefully gentlemen!

• Canned domestic beer: Hasn’t gotten rid of his ratty college sweatpants and hemp bracelet.
• Cosmopolitan: May take the term ‘manscaping’ a bit too seriously.
• Craft beer: Handy and funny, but probably won’t ask for directions. May be a hipster at heart.
• Wine: Well groomed and well dressed, but most likely afraid of a little self-deprecating humor.
• Whiskey on ice: Ah, the whole package–be still our hearts!

*Originally published in the inaugural Cobb Life Man Issue April 2013.